Do you know the muffin girl?

So far, so good. I stocked my fridge and pantry with the good stuff and pushed aside all the bad stuff. I should throw it away but then there's always the starving children with their puppy dog eyes in those evil commercials flashing in my head.

Recipe numero uno comin' atcha.

Roasted Chickpeas
1 can of chick peas (garbonzo beans), drained and rinsed

Heat oven to 350 and roast for 50 minutes or until they happily dance around on your baking sheet and clink together.

This makes 4 servings (I usually make two cans at once for 8 servings), a serving equals roughly 1/4 cup.

I munch on these suckas for a snack and they are pretty damn good. They should be crunchy, not mushy. I imagine you could season them with something NOT SALT because salt iz bad but I haven't got that creative yet.

I have resumed my Zumba practices 3x a week and started running again. I took it slow on my first run because of my knee, which ended my short-lived running career in the first place. I also did some weight training today. Gee was that fun. Muscle definitely disappears WAY too fast if you don't keep poking them with a proverbial stick. I weigh myself on Monday so  AFTER New Years Eve and about 5 bagazillian glasses of wine and *blue drinks.

Happy New Year internets. Be safe and try not to pass out early like I am sure I probably will.



*Be patient, young grasshoppa. You shall see soon.

Survivors and a Big Ol' Cliche

We made it! We did it! Christmas is OVA. I made it all the way through without throwing anything, and I think that deserves at least a hefty pat on the back. I put up with annoying people, an unruly child and sometimes grumpy husband. AND they all put up with me without any fist fights. HORRAY!

Mason was, for the most part, a picture of perfection for all that we put him through. I mean, with all the missed naps, late bedtimes and incredibly overwhelming PILES of presents, he was pretty well behaved. Of course we had a few minor meltdowns, but I am blaming that on the impending arrival of the dreaded molars.

We ate. A LOT. I am not making that up.I promise that I probably ate enough to feed a small country. My mom made her Thanksgiving day feast on Christmas Day. Yeah. I missed it this year so she was kind enough to indulge me. And help me gain almost 4 pounds in one week. Go me.

SO, there it is. I am HUGE. Thighs are a thunderin' and gut is a gigglin'. My ass needs a major overhaul. I was doing pretty good up until about a couple weeks before the holidays and then BOOM. My body stopped. I was at a stand-still that I could not break. The culprit: carbs. I am a carboholic. I am the queen of pasta. I could eat it all day every day. But that my ass grows and that's no good. I know (because I have done it before) that if I at least cut back on my carb intake, I will drop the pounds in a snap. So here I go again, modifying my meals, whipping out my beloved South Beach cookbook (I hate the diet, but love the recipes) and getting down to business. I need to fit into things comfortably again minus the muffin top.

I guess that is my big cliche New Years Resolution. I am going to get rid of these last 15ish pounds left over from the Mason takeover of '08 and '09. I am going to go nibble on some celery now. As I do this I am going to try to post my recipes for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks in case anyone is interested in some healthy meals for the new year. Hmph. 15 to go.

HO HO HO and a bottle of wine.

AKA one down, twelve to go?

You know that crazy family member that everyone has that always shows up to the Christmas party drunk and smelling of peppermint schnapps? I am slowly becoming that person. Although I don't like peppermint, I prefer wine and I have not showed up to a Christmas party drunk yet, but I had good intentions last night. Mason, you know your mom is cool when she stuffs a bottle of wine in your diaper bag, fully intending on numbing herself to the crazy Christmas madness. That poor bottle of wine remained unopened. I set him safely in his new home, our fridge, and let him know that Wednesday would be his day to shine. His day to make my Christmas a little merrier.

Instead, that fat bastard jolly old elf named Santa showed up and gave my kid a present. Mason stared at him longingly until it was his turn to sit on his lap and then this happened:

FAIL. He didn't cry but he squirmed until Santa could not contain him anymore and ran away with the goods. Speaking of the goods.

Ahh, presents. He's a quick learner.

See there? He got a PICKUP TRUCK.

And now...A FIRE ENGINE! He liked his poor cousin's fire engine better (the kid has a thing for red) so he ganked it, luckily without getting into a fight with his generous, trading cousin.

And now we are the proud owners of ANOTHER noise-making fire engine. Merry Christmas.

It feels good if you play with it long enough.

Fun fact: Every time we change Mason, he immediately reaches down and begins playing with himself and laughing. I asked Paul, "Does it really feel THAT good, that fast?" His answer: "If you play with it long enough, yes." He will then, while still squeezing and pulling, point to the blocks on his shelf and say "cocks?". We are still working on the BLLL blllllllllllocks.

Hmph. Well then. I guess I am moving from teaching Mason to say "truck" instead of "car" to saying "penis" or at least "peepee". Which brings me to my next topic: Embracing your genitals (hey, there was no other way to put it). It really irks me when parents get all wierded out by their kid's "play time with themselves". Yes, they should be taught to NOT do it in public, but rather in their room or bathroom but I think it is horrible when a parent starts telling the child they are being "gross" or "wrong" or "disgusting" or just refusing to talk to the kid about their genitals AT ALL. Way to give your kid a complex, genius. Of course I am also of the thought that teaching ONLY abstenence from sex is wrong so there should be no shocker there.

Yes, I am aware that some day Mason will probably read this and give me a big old "MOOOOOMMMMM!!!!" and not speak to me for a while because I told the internets about him playing with himself, but that's what you get when you get stuck with me for a mom. That and Teddy Grahams and Yo Gabba Gabba  math equasions all day.

Bye Bye Blindness

Tomorrow I am FINALLY going in for my Lasik surgery. Afterwords I am going to have a glasses-burning party. Now Mason can't point and laugh at my specs anymore. Everytime he does I just giggle to myself like, "Yeah kid, keep laughing. Someday this will bite you in your cute little ass!". I think the part I am most excited about is not actually the re-gift of almost perfect sight, it's the sleeping for almost 24 hours and the AMBIEN yay AMBIEN! Tiger, gimme a call! I will sell them to you for like 50 million. That's right, I am now advertising my drug dealings on my blog people. Line up.

No, really. I think the whole day of sleep will officially catch me up from the first three weeks of Mason's life. Now I cannot beg Paul for days to sleep in anymore. I guess I will have to start dragging my lazy ass out of bed a little earlier. No more excuses!

The scariest part about all of this? I am not the least bit scared. There might be a tinge of nervousness in me, but not much. I guess I am jaded after being cut open and having a 7lb mass ripped out of me while I lay there AWAKE. Of course there was the almost-peeing of my pants when I read over all of the risks and all but GOD DAMN I am excited more than anything! Do I think I will go blind? Nah. I have complete trust in my doctor and I am not going to some chop-shop - I actually picked someone that has !LOTS OF AWARDS! and !LOTS OF RECOMMENDATIONS! (like that matters). I am sure I will longingly stare at everything I would miss seeing tonight before I go to bed, just in case. But I think I will probably be just fine. I am guessing you will hear all about it, internets.

A Ho, Ho, Hooooo

I present you with my 2009 Christmas list, my WISH list, I would like to stress. For Christmas this year I actually got a trip to Las Vegas and Lasik surgery (be jealy). A girl can dream, can't she? (all prices are from Amazon because, well, you are IDIOT if you shop anywhere else without looking there first)

To remind me of my times in Las Vegas: The Hangover Unrated on Bluray [$15.99]

To cover up the smell of poop, chewed up Teddy Grahams, etc: Ed Hardy - Hearts & Daggers [$55.95]

To keep my feetsies warm when I show my husband what a good wifey I am by shoveling the driveway: Bailey Button Uggs [$150]

Because I want to be her/am a mom with "mommy style" these days: Rachel Zoe : Style: A to Zoe [$10.87]

Even though I haven't seen it yet, but let's be for real: BRAD PITT: Inglorious Basterds on Bluray [$18.99]

BEHOLD. For the organizational freak that I am and because it's PURPLE: Brother PT-80 Label Maker [$27.74]

To cook with...or giggle about the name: 6 Qt Dutch Oven in Green [$77.00]

Okay, well there you have it. My Christmas wish list. Go forth and buy. Email me for my address kthanksbye.

AND CAN I ADD? Yes. I want a new Dyson...a Dyson Ball please. To my delight, Jill over at Baby Rabies is having a giveaway for one. Hopefully I will get picked. Squeeeeeel. Go! Try to win! Also, follow me on Twitter and follow Jill too... @tiffluc and @babyrabies!

15 Months...a little late

Dear Mason-

I wanted to have a record of things that I want to make sure that I remember about this time in your life. If there is one thing I have learned over the last 15 months it is that I cannot remember the things that I (thank Jeebus) have written in your baby book or on the old blog. People always want to compare their child's weight to yours at a certain age and I have no idea how much you weighed at your 3 month check-up. I don't even know how much you weigh now and calling your pediatrician is on my list of things to do today because I have no idea if I scheduled your next well appointment.

You talk. A lot. You say too many words at times and I know that you definitely have a larger vocabulary than most kids your age. Here are the words that you currently say, all day, every day:
Cars, Hot, Cat, Sit, Tits (a form of sit, methinks), Ball, Nigh-nigh, Juice (joooce), Santa (tanta), Shoes, Socks, Buh-byes, Hi, MaMa, Dada, Papa, Goga (your grandmas), Deeeee (your aunt), *Baboo (your teddy), BoBo (your grandma's cat), No, Numnums (food), Dog, Touch it, Book, Mooo(cow), Baaa(sheep), Dana (the girl at the gym daycare), All Done, House...I am sure there are more I am forgetting.

You have also taking a liking to the Christmas tree and you will not leave it alone. We are constantly telling you NO! Don't touch! and you proceed to carry bulbs across the room and leave them everywhere for me. You also love your shoes and boots. You love getting them put on your feet and always are pointing to them and showing everyone. There are always at least two shoes in the living room because you brought them to us to show me. You are a boy after my own heart. You love anything that isn't a toy and when you do play with toys, you tend to pick on Elmo, books or of course, CARS.

You love helping me. You help me clean, grocery shop, put away groceries, put away toys, and you keep me entertained during my baths and showers. You love to dance to Yo Gabba Gabba and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse...or any other random car commercial with a funky beat. You get upset when you do things that you know aren't right. For example, if you knock over a picture frame, you will work at it for MINUTES trying to set it back up, and then cry when you can't. You also FREAK THE F OUT when you hit the input button on the TV and it goes snowy.

You are so loving. You give TONS of kisses and hugs all day long to your family and most importantly, Elmo and Baboo. You love other children and babies. You smile at them, point and flirt. You know not to touch little babies and you know how to play well with bigger ones. You share everything - your juice, "white juice", toys, snacks and even boogers. You are the happiest, most caring little boy I have ever seen and I am so thankful to have you in my life.

*Baboo is recovering from recent neck surgery from too much love.

I Haz Ballz?

I realized a funny thing recently: I have balls. Maybe they grew after I had Mason? Maybe they are some sort of post-partum side-effect? Somewhere in the last year I became a hard ass. Somewhere between THE CRAZY and my wonderful little boy, I became a bad ass that helps my husband be a stronger woman  man. I mean, isn't it the nuturing, loving mothers that are supposed to jump in the car and circle the block while the fathers endure the nap-time protests? Aren't I supposed to curl up in a ball in the corner and rock back and forth while muttering something about Protective Services?

"What are you doing? Why did you just bring him back downstairs? IT IS NAP TIME."
"But he's crying, he doesn't want to take a nap now..."
"Too bad. Put him in his crib and shut the door. He needs a nap. He will go to sleep."

Yeah. That's me. The one without the italics.

Where Being Nice Gets You.

There is this particular strech of road in our town where I used to get extremely feisty and all race car driver on everyone's ass (of course this was pre-Mason and pre-crazy person meds). There are also a couple other "hot spots" around this great state that I have learned you have to be extra-defensive in your driving skillz. Like, for instance, let's say there are currently two lanes and there is a BIG YELLOW SIGN that shows the two lanes becoming one. Let's also pretend that you are already in the good lane, the one that isn't disappearing. Then, here comes asshole in his Mustang (I hate them BTW, sorry dad) and he soooo thinks he is going to beat you to the punch. Insert blood pressure spike, also insert my foot hitting the gas at warped speeds.

Oh OH OH and what about when you desperately need to change lanes because you don't want to be THAT PERSON? You know, the one I discussed above? Yeah, and NO ONE, not even the POPE will let you over? That's where the universe kills me, and buries me alive. Okay, that made no sense. This is where I make mental notes and keep them in my "EVIL BITCH" file for later. Fast forward to now, in the car with Paul. Someone needs to change lanes to avoid being "THAT PERSON" and I am refusing to let them in. Paul always asks why I don't just let them in. I say, "Because I am an evil, evil car-driving bitch and the universe hates me, so I am hating it back."

I have become much nicer when it comes to car driving since having Mason. I mean really, where do I have to go? Occasionally I even let someone pull out in front of me. I am THAT nice. I have been doing a lot of nice things lately - I am proud of this. Guess what though? The universe is shatting on me again. It seems every time I am pleased with my nice-ness, someone grabs a big handful of poo and slings it my way. I keep my mouth shut, I do my job as a human-being, I obey the rules and all that but then BAM! someone or something (usually someone) decides that maybe I am being a little too nice I need to remember to dust off my evil bitch file once and a while.

I have decided that perhaps I should take tomorrow and just be thankful for the important things ::insert them here:: and screw the universe and I urge you to do the same.

My job is done.

I am not ashamed to admit my love of cleanliness. Neither is my husband. You can imagine our surprise when  GASP we had a baby and he made messes. BIG ONES. And when he started walking? I cried for days about the constant state of mess my house was in. Then I got an idea:

He did this all on his own. I swear to gawd and stuff.

Hold on to that Feeling.

I know I haven't been around for hmmm a while. I promise I am going to make a good effort to update this little blog more often now that things have quieted down. I guess this might be a stupid statement since the holidays are coming up, but oh well.

I recently got back from a girls trip to Las Vegas. I would tell you more, but you know, there's that whole "what happens in Vegas" thing. I will say that it was legendary. I had so much fun and if anything, it made me realize I am so lucky to have what I have. It also made me realize that I am lucky to not be some geriatric corral member that goes by the name "Uncle Johnny" and is forced to shell out hundreds - if not thousands of dollars to get girls to hang out with him in the club.

I am a strong believer of staying true to who you are. Yes, I have a son now, but that does not mean that I should deprive myself of good times with best friends. I am still Tiff. I still like to dance, sing and have a drink or twelve. I think that it is very pathetic when people, especially mothers and fathers, lose themselves and become a slave to their husbands/wives and children. I am a great mom and the fact that I still live a smidge of my former life makes me a better mom. I missed Mason and Paul greatly and honestly could not wait to get back home to them. I can say that I have never been at the grocery store by myself after a year of the same routine and thought "Damn, self. I can't wait to see them when I get home."

Sometimes it takes a trip, no matter the length, to make you realize how lucky and how great a mom you are for taking this time for yourself. It will not make you a bad mom. It will make you a better mom. You will hang on to who you are inside. You will be rewarded. Yes, becoming a mother changes you - I cannot argue with that. BUT it does not COMPLETELY change you. If it does, I recommend you seek help. With that said, I am not going to let people who try to make me feel guilty bother me. Doneskis.

VIVA LAS VEGAS!

Stay tuned for my first ever giveaway featuring Monkey Butt Bows!

OH HEY THERE!

HI! I totally forgot you existed little bloggy.

Maybe it was my allergies? No.

Let's try the week after that. Cold? No.

h1n1? Nah. I have yet to be infected. Nope. It was just plain life I guess. You see, I don't have much time (or really feel like it half the time) to jump on here and tell you about my boring life of nodding my head and saying, "Yep Mason, that's a CAAAARRRRRR". Because that's what I have been doing. All.day.every.day.

Mason does go to a little daycare-ish place now. Well, at the gym. That's right, this stay-at-home mom makes poor early childhood education majors watch her crazy toddler so she can work on her fitness. I enjoy every single second of that 2 hours (usually less) that I get to just crank up some Britney and sweat my ass off. Plus they totally LOVE him. And he totally LOVES them. He has so much fun and is in such a great mood when I pick him up. The funniest part is that when he gets his little sad face when I drop him off, you would think I would want to scoop him up and just go home. Nope. Not this girl. SEE YOU LATER CHILD.

I guess that shininess finally wore off, huh?

Loves.

What I love RIGHT NOW:

The fact that my husband stopped working today when Mason walked over to him holding one of his favorite books, (What's Wrong Little Pookey?) to read to him. In the middle of the day. Like, ahhhhh swoooon.

Forever 21. Can they make cuter clothes? Can they be any cheaper? A friend and I recently shopped there for an upcoming trip and I may just petition them to open a store closer to me.

The fact that fall is here. I love the colors, the air, the smells, the food, the clothes. I love it all. For some reason, the colors on the trees look even more vivid this year.

The fact that Mason resembles a tiny drunk man when we walks. It just blows my tiny mind that my child is walking. He is walking. And he carries stuff around the house. Like a real little person. And he loves to clean and put things in and out of other things. How soon can I teach him to unload the dishwasher? Oh, right. Knives.

Ornery.

I have an ornery child.

Did I know this was coming? Yes, probably. I mean, look at me. Usually he contains his madness to the confines of our home. He is always an angel when we venture out. People are constantly commenting on how good he is. Yes, he has his occasional outbursts in places (usually the places where he can hear his echo) but NEVER has he thrown an all-out fit.

Welcome to toddlerhood.

I had a meeting at a Panera yesterday and I had to take Mason. It was right after a nap so of course all he wanted to do was run around and play. And I am not kidding when I say RUN. The kid has only been walking for a week and he literally is RUNNING already. Luckily, the girl I was having said meeting with was VERY nice and VERY understanding.

Mason arched his back in protest when I tried to hold him or put him in his stroller, he flung juice all over the poor girl's computer, threw goldfish everywhere (sorry Panera people), screamed constantly so I couldn't hear what was being said, etc etc etc. Imagine every meltdown you have ever witnessed and scoffed at in public. That was my meeting. I even let him play with my new-er precious Blackberry. Yeah, it was THAT bad.

Once we left, he instantly turned into my angel again, and he has been ever since. I don't know what it was about that meeting yesterday but OH HOLY HELL HELP.

The Drunk

Where have I been AGAIN you say?
Let this video explain:

First Steps from Tiffany Luc on Vimeo.

Where I Have Been

It's not like I was going to be all, "Hey! Internets! I am going to the beach for a week! My house will be empty! Come rob me! I bet my neighbor whom we generally trust will leave the front door unlocked for God knows how long!"

I will explain this picture more later: Nah. I am much more stealth than that. I am mysterious. I disappear without notice. I run away from the blog world without so much as a "see you later suckas!". I pack up my family and head to the beach. We play in sand. We play in water. I get thy ass kickethed by ocean. I gather large amounts of sand in my bathing suit bottoms. I call it, "sand turds". I climb to the top of a lighthouse that I had to sign a release form for. I am afraid of heights. More on that later. I watch as a glass of wine gets spilled on my Blackberry. I am on my 4th phone in less than a year. I am way too smart for Verizon. Annnnnd more later.My kid is the best traveler eva. I will tell you all about this. Later.And the cutest.

Way too fast.

This might not seem like a big deal...I mean, he has been walking behind toys for months and months and months BUT this toy, this incredible annoying lawn mower toy, it provides NO balance or stability for him at all.

This is all happening so fast. He only started standing alone last week. Now, he is on his way to resembling a really small drunk person.

He Begins to Walk from Tiffany Luc on Vimeo.

I am very, very sneaky.

Somewhere between completely devouring every spoonful of awful puree we put in front of his face, and well, this afternoon, Mason became a picky eater. According to my doctor this is normal for his age, they decide they hate vegetables and refuse to eat them. I noticed. Especially when he began only eating solid foods, he decided that he hated vegetables. He loves macaroni and cheese, so I decided that HA! I shall hide peas in the cheese!

Oh stupid mommy. Don't you know that he will find them? He will. AND he will suck the cheese off and spit them out.

He also loves to organize his food on his tray. Yucky vegetables go in this cup holder, macaroni and cheese goes in my mouth and milk goes in this cup holder. What happens when all that is left on his tray are the veggies? TO THE FLOOR THEY GO! Ohhhh and that pisses me off. Do you know how hard it is to clean dried, crusty carrots off the floor?

Enter Jessica Seinfeld and her much talked-about (not always for the best reasons, but hey TEAM JESSICA!) cookbook, Deceptively Delicious. My precious. My sweet, sweet precious. I classify this book in with my Maclaren stroller and now my Blackberry. Lovies. Mommy lovies. The cover should read: For kids who find veggies even when you hide them in mac and cheese.

Her secret, and now mine: back to purees. Only this time you aren't sitting there making airplane noises and shoving spoonfuls into your children's mouths. This time you are hiding purees in what looks like yummy every day foods. I must say, these recipes are yummy. So yummy in fact that now mom and dad are getting their day's worth of veggies as well.

Behold, one of Mason's faves: Spinach Pita Pizza (or as I call it, PIZZA!)

Here is the shortened version, the full version is of course available in the book:

Whole Wheat Pitas

Part-skim Mozzarella cheese

Sauce (I use whatever is left over in the fridge, preferably Muir Glen Organic)

Spinach Puree (all you have to do is cook some baby spinach leaves in a pan with a little water until they wilt. Put into a food processor and blend until smooth, adding more water if needed - I keep a frozen batch of all my purees on hand at all times.)

Pre-heat oven to 350

Spread some spinach puree onto the pita, spoon on some sauce, sprinkle cheese and bake until the cheese is melted. TA-DA!

I cut a pizza up into small pieces and Mason gobbles the entire thing down. What he doesn't know is that there is spinach pieces all over his face and in his belly. Lovely.

Halloween came early.

No, I did not force my child to put on a chicken costume again.

WhenI went outside to water what is left of my flowers, I realized that HEY! someone decorated my house for Halloween! Especially our deck. They put lots of fun, life-like cobwebs EVERYWHERE! And SPIDERS! THAT MOVE! So cool!

...

...

...

What is with all of the spiders this year? And I am not talking little, harmless jumping spiders (those are freaky too though), I am talking GIGANTIC yellow and black spiders with pinchers and fur and FANGS! (okay, not entirely true). The yards in my neighborhood are covered with webs, as is my deck. Intricate, HUGE, sprawling, thick webs of destruction. So what did I do about it? I armed myself with some Raid, gloves, and a broom.

I know, I know. "But Tiff!" you say, "Spiders are good, they kill insects! Leave them alone!".
Hell.to.the.no. They are on my turf. I don't care when they frolic in my yard, and in dark corners where I can't see them. My house and deck are off limits. Those are places I actually go. I don't want to see them or their messy ass webs thankyouverymuch.

Don't worry. I think the bees were actually mad at me when I was on my spider hunt today as well. They swarmed my head and sent me screaming and flailing about. I did manage to kill three of them today (spiders, that is). So let's see how the webs are in a couple days. Yuck.

Fall Fashion HORRAY!

As a somewhat new mom...can I even call myself that anymore? I hardly consider myself a seasoned mom...

*AHEM* As a green-ish mom, I am constantly looking for fashion inspiration. Anything that DOES NOT scream, "I am a new mom! Look at me! I am covered in macaroni and cheese and milk!" I might be a mom, but I am certainly not a fashionista.

Enter my mantras: WWTW? WWRW? & WWNW? Any and every time I am in my closet, or shopping, I am chanting quietly to myself "What Would ________ Wear?" My favorites lately are Tori Spelling, Rachel Zoe and Nicole Richie. Tori and Nicole are both moms so I really look to them for 'fashinspiration' and Rachel, well Rachel is just awesome. Yes, they are all skinny Hollywierd celebs with too much money and lots of time to mull over what to wear, BUT I like their style and it if it makes me look more fashionable and less sloppy then so be it.

I love LOVE fall fashion and was very excited to see that Boho is back. ::happy dance:: Boho is great news for moms. Gauze, gauze, GAUZE people. Big bags, big accessories, scarves and flattering cuts are what's up. So are boots and flats. Can it get ANY easier for us?The colors are kick-ass too. Deep purples, blues, grays, browns, black and pops of red and mustards. YUM. Does anyone want to give me some money so I can go shopping now? There is a certain store, ahem, Old Navy, that I am just loving right now. Usually it is hit and miss there, but OHMYJESUS if there is a rich man reading this, can you please send me ON gift cards?

Because I suck...

Here is a video for you.

Cake Destruction from Tiffany Luc on Vimeo.

I kept another person alive...

...for a whole year! Year two here we come!

Welcome!

I am going to start writing here after the holiday weekend. Look for lots of goodies! A warning: there will be more about my life, which does include Mason, but this blog will not entirely focus on him! I can't wait to get started!